Memorable quotes
1. Those who are at the mercy of impulse—who lack self-control—suffer a moral deficiency: The ability to control impulse is the base of will and character. By the same token, the root of altruism lies in empathy, the ability to read emotions in others; lacking a sense of another’s need or despair, there is no caring. And if there are any two moral stances that our times call for, they are precisely these, self-restraint and compassion
2. The fact that the thinking brain grew from the emotional reveals much about the relationship of thought to feeling; there was an emotional brain long before there was a rational one
3. the root from which the newer brain grew, the emotional areas are intertwined via myriad connecting circuits to all
4. As the root from which the newer brain grew, the emotional areas are intertwined via myriad connecting circuits to all
5. parts of the neocortex. This gives the emotional centers immense power to influence the functioning of the rest of the brain—including its centers for thought
6. In the brain’s architecture, the amygdala is poised something like an alarm company where operators stand ready to send out emergency calls to the fire department, police, and a neighbor whenever a home security system signals trouble
7. sentinel, able to hijack the brain.5 His research has shown that sensory signals
8. This branching allows the amygdala to begin to respond before the neocortex, which mulls information through several levels of brain circuits before it fully perceives and finally initiates its more finely tailored response
9. The amygdala can house memories and response repertoires that we enact without quite realizing why we do so because the shortcut from thalamus to amygdala completely bypasses the neocortex. This bypass seems to allow the amygdala to be a repository for emotional impressions and memories that we have never known about in full awareness
10. As LeDoux put it to me, “The hippocampus is crucial in recognizing a face as that of your cousin. But it is the amygdala that adds you don’t really like her
11. shuttle Challenger had exploded. The more intense the amygdala arousal, the stronger the imprint; the experiences that scare or thrill us the most in life are among our most indelible memories
12. This amygdala arousal seems to imprint in memory most moments of emotional arousal with an added degree of strength—that’s why we are more likely, for example, to remember where we went on a first date, or what we were doing when we heard the news that the space
13. shuttle Challenger had exploded. The more intense the amygdala arousal, the stronger the imprint; the experiences that scare or thrill us the most in life are among our most indelible memories
14. change, becoming less easily upset and, she was happy to say, more affectionate
15. My concern is with a key set of these “other characteristics,” emotional intelligence: abilities such as being able to motivate oneself and persist in the face of frustrations; to control impulse and delay gratification; to regulate one’s moods and keep distress from swamping the ability to think; to empathize and to hope
16. “I think we’ve discovered the ‘dutiful’—people who know how to achieve in the system. But valedictorians struggle as surely as we all do. To know that a person is a valedictorian is to know only that he or she is exceedingly good at achievement as measured by grades. It tells you nothing about how they react to the vicissitudes of life.
17. People with well-developed emotional skills are also more likely to be content and effective in their lives, mastering the habits of mind that foster their own productivity; people who cannot marshal some control over their emotional life fight inner battles that sabotage their ability for focused work and clear thought
18. We should spend less time ranking children and more time helping them to identify their natural competencies and gifts, and cultivate those. There are hundreds and hundreds of ways to succeed, and many, many different abilities that will help you get there
19. The cognitive scientists who embraced this view have been seduced by the computer as the operative model of mind, forgetting that, in reality, the brain’s wetware is awash in a messy, pulsating puddle of neurochemicals, nothing like the sanitized, orderly silicon that has spawned the guiding metaphor for mind
20. Among the practical intelligences that are, for instance, so highly valued in the workplace is the kind of sensitivity that allows effective managers to pick up tacit messages.
21. People with greater certainty about their feelings are better pilots of their lives, having a surer sense of how they really feel about personal decisions from whom to marry to what job to take
22. As Chapter 6 will show, marshaling emotions in the service of a goal is essential for paying attention, for selfmotivation and mastery, and for creativity. Emotional self-control— delaying gratification and stifling impulsiveness—underlies accomplishment of every sort. And being able to get into the “flow” state enables outstanding performance of all kinds. People who have this skill tend to be more highly productive and effective in whatever they undertake
23. Self-awareness, in short, means being “aware of both our mood and our thoughts about that mood,” in the words of John Mayer, a University of New Hampshire psychologist who, with Yale’s Peter Salovey, is a coformulator of the theory of emotional intelligence
24. When they get into a bad mood, they don’t ruminate and obsess about it, and are able to get out of it sooner. In short, their mindfulness helps them manage their emotions
25. And that is the nub of the problem. It is not that alexithymics never feel, but that they are unable to know—and especially unable to put into words—precisely what their feelings are. They are utterly lacking in the fundamental skill of emotional intelligence, self-awareness— knowing what we are feeling as emotions roil within us
26. feeling, and the emotional wisdom garnered through past experiences. Formal logic alone can never work as the basis for deciding whom to marry or trust or even what job to take; these are realms where reason without feeling is blind
27. Those who have a natural attunement to their own heart’s voice—the language of emotion—are sure to be more adept at articulating its messages, whether as a novelist, songwriter, or psychotherapist
28. As such preconscious emotional stirrings continue to build, they eventually become strong enough to break into awareness. Thus there are two levels of emotion, conscious and unconscious. The moment of an emotion coming into awareness marks its registering as such in the frontal cortex
29. Zillmann has found that when the body is already in a state of edginess, like the mother’s, and something triggers an emotional hijacking, the subsequent emotion, whether anger or anxiety, is of especially great intensity
30. Catharsis—giving vent to rage—is sometimes extolled as a way of handling anger. The popular theory holds that “it makes you feel better.” But, as Zillmann’s findings suggest, there is an argument against catharsis. It has been made since the 1950s, when psychologists started to test the effects of catharsis experimentally and, time after time, found that giving vent to anger did little or nothing to dispel it (though, because of the seductive nature of anger, it may feel satisfying
31. Worry is, in a sense, a rehearsal of what might go wrong and how to deal with it; the task of worrying is to come up with positive solutions for life’s perils by anticipating dangers before they arise.
32. ruminate. Worrying about what’s depressing us, it seems, makes the depression
33. One is to learn to challenge the thoughts at the center of rumination—to question their validity and think of more positive alternatives. The other is to purposely schedule pleasant, distracting events
34. Two strategies are particularly effective in the battle.16 One is to learn to challenge the thoughts at the center of rumination—to question their validity and think of more positive alternatives. The other is to purposely schedule pleasant, distracting events
35. patients feel better because they can’t remember why they were so sad. At any rate, to shake garden-variety sadness, Diane Tice found, many people reported turning to distractions such as reading, TV and movies, video games and puzzles, sleeping, and daydreams such as planning a fantasy vacation. Wenzlaff would add that the most effective distractions are ones that will shift your mood—an exciting sporting event, a funny movie, an uplifting book
36. At any rate, to shake garden-variety sadness, Diane Tice found, many people reported turning to distractions such as reading, TV and movies, video games and puzzles, sleeping, and daydreams such as planning a fantasy vacation. Wenzlaff would add that the most effective distractions are ones that will shift your mood—an exciting sporting event, a funny movie, an uplifting book
37. For those with a daily exercise routine, whatever mood-changing benefits it offers were probably strongest when they first took up the exercise habit. In fact, for habitual exercisers there is a reverse effect on mood: they start to feel bad on those days when they skip their workout
38. Common ways people soothed themselves when depressed ranged from taking hot baths or eating favorite foods, to listening to music or having sex
39. However, stepping back and thinking about the ways the relationship wasn’t so great, and ways you and your partner were mismatched—in other words, seeing the loss differently, in a more positive light—is an antidote to the sadness
40. unflappableness is a kind of upbeat denial, a positive dissociation—and, possibly
41. There is perhaps no psychological skill more fundamental than resisting impulse. It is the root of all emotional self-control, since all emotions, by their very nature, lead to one or another impulse to act
42. What shows up in a small way early in life blossoms into a wide range of social and emotional competences as life goes on. The capacity to impose a delay on impulse is at the root of a plethora of efforts, from staying on a diet to pursuing a medical degree
43. At age four, how children do on this test of delay of gratification is twice as powerful a predictor of what their SAT scores will be as is IQ at age four; IQ becomes a stronger predictor of SAT only after children learn to read.9 This suggests that the ability to delay gratification contributes powerfully to intellectual potential quite apart from IQ itself
44. What Walter Mischel, who did the study, describes with the rather infelicitous phrase “goal-directed self-imposed delay of gratification” is perhaps the essence of emotional self-regulation: the ability to deny impulse in the service of a goal, whether it be building a business, solving an algebraic equation, or pursuing the Stanley Cup
45. But such mental rehearsal is disastrous cognitive static when it becomes trapped in a stale routine that captures attention, intruding on all other attempts to focus elsewhere
46. But such mental rehearsal is disastrous cognitive static when it becomes trapped in a stale routine that captures attention, intruding on all other attempts to focus elsewhere
47. Worry, of course, is in one sense a useful response gone awry—an overly zealous mental preparation for an anticipated threat. But such mental rehearsal is disastrous cognitive static when it becomes trapped in a stale routine that captures attention, intruding on all other attempts to focus elsewhere
48. But those who had just watched the funny film, compared to others who had watched a film on math or who exercised, were more likely to see an alternative use for the box holding the tacks, and so come up with the creative solution: tack the box to the wall and use it as a candleholder
49. When C. R. Snyder, the University of Kansas psychologist who did this study, compared the actual academic achievement of freshman students high and low on hope, he discovered that hope was a better predictor of their firstsemester grades than were their scores on the SAT, a test supposedly able to predict how students will fare in college (and highly correlated with IQ). Again, given roughly the same range of intellectual abilities, emotional aptitudes make the critical difference
50. Indeed, people who are hopeful evidence less depression than others as they maneuver through life in pursuit of their goals, are less anxious in general, and have fewer emotional distresses
51. From the perspective of emotional intelligence, having hope means that one will not give in to overwhelming anxiety, a defeatist attitude, or depression in the face of difficult challenges or setbacks. Indeed, people who are hopeful evidence less depression than others as they maneuver through life in pursuit of their goals, are less anxious in general, and have fewer emotional distresses
52. What’s missing in tests of ability is motivation. What you need to know about someone is whether they will keep going when things get frustrating. My hunch is that for a given level of intelligence, your actual achievement is a function not just of talent, but also of the capacity to stand defeat
53. By seeing not themselves but something in the situation as the reason
54. for their failure, they can change their approach in the next call. While the pessimist’s mental set leads to despair, the optimist’s spawns hope
55. People seem to concentrate best when the demands on them are a bit greater than usual, and they are able to give more than usual. If there is too little demand on them, people are bored. If there is too much for them to handle, they get anxious
56. bored. If there is too much for them to handle, they get anxious. Flow occurs in that delicate zone between boredom and anxiety
57. If there is too little demand on them, people are bored. If there is too much for them to handle, they get anxious. Flow occurs in that delicate zone between boredom and anxiety
58. Csikszentmihalyi concludes: “Painters must want to paint above all else. If the artist in front of the canvas begins to wonder how much he will sell it for, or what the critics will think of it, he won’t be able to pursue original avenues. Creative achievements depend on singleminded immersion
59. Flow is an internal state that signifies a kid is engaged in a task that’s right. You have to find something you like and stick to it. It’s when kids get bored in school that they fight and act up, and when they’re overwhelmed by a challenge that they get anxious about their schoolwork. But you learn at your best when you have something you care about and you can get pleasure from being engaged in.
60. A third is substituting one feeling for another; this comes into play in some Asian cultures where it is impolite to say no, and positive (but false) assurances are given instead
61. A third is substituting one feeling for another; this comes into play in some Asian cultures where it is impolite to say no, and positive (but false) assurances are given instead
62. “Aikido is the art of reconciliation. Whoever has the mind to fight has broken his connection with the universe. If you try to dominate people you are already defeated. We study how to resolve conflict, not how to start it.
63. This marital endgame reflects the fact that there are, in effect, two emotional realities in a couple, his and hers. The roots of these emotional differences, while they may be partly biological, also can be traced back to childhood, and to the separate emotional worlds boys and girls inhabit while growing up
64. “For the wives, intimacy means talking things over, especially talking about the relationship itself. The men, by and large, don’t understand what the wives want from them. They say, ‘I want to do things with her, and all she wants to do is talk
65. Meanwhile, boys and girls are taught very different lessons about handling emotions. Parents, in general, discuss emotions—with the exception of anger—more with their daughters than their sons
66. This difference between boys and girls at play epitomizes what Harvard’s Carol Gilligan points to as a key disparity between the sexes: boys take pride in a lone, tough-minded independence and autonomy, while girls see themselves as part of a web of connectedness. Thus boys are threatened by anything that might challenge their independence, while girls are more threatened by a rupture in their relationships
67. these differing perspectives mean that men and women want and expect very different things out of a conversation, with men content to talk about “things,” while women seek emotional connection
68. When you forgot to pick up my clothes at the cleaner’s it made me feel like you don’t care about me.” It is an expression of basic emotional intelligence: assertive, not belligerent or passive. But in a personal criticism she uses the specific grievance to launch a global attack on her husband: “You’re always so selfish and uncaring. It just proves I can’t trust you to do anything right
69. In a complaint, a wife states specifically what is upsetting her, and criticizes her husband’s action, not her husband, saying how it made her feel: “When you forgot to pick up my clothes at the cleaner’s it made me feel like you don’t care about me.” It is an expression of basic emotional intelligence: assertive, not belligerent or passive. But in a personal criticism she uses the specific grievance to launch a global attack on her husband: “You’re always so selfish and uncaring. It just proves I can’t trust you to do anything right
70. One method for effective emotional listening, called “mirroring,” is commonly used in marital therapy. When one partner makes a complaint, the other repeats it back in her own words, trying to capture not just the thought, but also the feelings that go with it
71. Psychologist Haim Ginott, the grandfather of effective-communication programs, recommended that the best formula for a complaint is “XYZ”: “When you did X, it made me feel Y, and I’d rather you did Z instead
72. In essence, these antidotes to marital disintegration are a small remedial
73. The vice president was astonished—he had no idea that his remark, which he meant as a throwaway line, had been so devastating. In fact, he thought the software plan was promising, but needed more work—he hadn’t meant to dismiss it as utterly worthless at all. He simply had not realized, he said, how poorly he had put his reaction, nor that he had hurt anyone’s feelings. And, belatedly, he apologized
74. From the vantage point of emotional intelligence, such criticism displays an ignorance
75. Indeed, one of the more common forms of destructive criticism in the workplace, says one business consultant, is a blanket, generalized statement like “You’re screwing up,” delivered in a harsh, sarcastic, angry tone, providing neither a chance to respond nor any suggestion of how to do things better. It leaves the person receiving it feeling helpless and angry. From the vantage point of emotional intelligence, such criticism displays an ignorance of the feelings it will trigger in those who receive it, and the devastating effect those feelings will have on their motivation, energy, and confidence in doing their work
76. When the boss fails to let his feelings be known promptly, it leads to his frustration building up slowly. Then, one day, he blows up about it. If the criticism had been given earlier on, the employee would have been able to correct the problem. Too often people criticize only when things boil over, when they get too angry to contain themselves. And that’s when they give the criticism in the worst way, in a tone of biting sarcasm, calling to mind a long list of grievances they had kept to themselves, or making threats. Such attacks backfire. They are received as an affront, so the recipient becomes angry in return. It’s the worst way to motivate someone
77. The basic belief that leads to optimism, remember, is that setbacks or failures are due to circumstances that we can do something about to change them for the better
78. Be specific. Pick a significant incident, an event that illustrates a key problem that needs changing or a pattern of deficiency, such as the inability to do certain parts of a job well
79. Specificity,” Levinson points out, “is just as important for praise as for criticism. I won’t say that vague praise has no effect at all, but it doesn’t have much, and you can’t learn from it.
80. Managers who have little empathy, Levinson points out, are most prone to giving feedback in a hurtful fashion, such as the withering put-down. The net effect of such criticism is destructive: instead of opening the way for a corrective, it creates an emotional backlash of resentment, bitterness, defensiveness, and distance
81. And every employee, especially managers
82. The single most important element in group intelligence, it turns out, is not the average IQ in the academic sense, but rather in terms of emotional intelligence. The key to a high group IQ is social harmony
83. Just how well people can “work” a network—in effect, make it into a temporary, ad hoc team—is a crucial factor in on-the-job success
84. For example, in a study of 569 patients with colorectal cancer and a matched comparison group, those who said that in the previous ten years they had experienced severe on-the-job aggravation were five and a half times more likely to have developed the cancer compared to those with no such stress in their lives
85. Dr. David Spiegel, who conducted the study, was himself stunned by the findings, as was the medical community: women with advanced breast cancer who went to weekly meetings with others survived twice as long as did women with the same disease who faced it on their own
86. Unanswered questions feed uncertainty, fear, catastrophizing. And they lead patients to balk at going along with treatment regimes they don’t fully understand
87. If the findings on emotions and health mean anything, it is that medical care that neglects how people feel as they battle a chronic or severe disease is no longer adequate. It is time for medicine to take more methodical advantage of the link between emotion and health
88. A child who cannot focus his attention, who is suspicious rather than trusting, sad or angry rather than optimistic, destructive rather than respectful and one who is overcome with anxiety, preoccupied with frightening fantasy and feels generally unhappy about himself—such a child has little opportunity at all, let alone equal opportunity, to claim the possibilities of the world as his own
89. In a special after-school class seventy-five of the mildly depressed students learned to challenge the thinking patterns associated with depression, to become more adept at making friends, to get along better with their parents, and to engage in more social activities they found pleasant. By the end of the eight-week program, 55 percent of the students had recovered from their mild depression, while only about a quarter of equally depressed students who were not in the program had begun to pull out of their depression
90. The emotional skills include self-awareness; identifying, expressing, and managing feelings; impulse control and delaying gratification; and handling stress and anxiety
91. knowing the difference between feelings and actions, and learning to make better emotional decisions by first controlling the impulse to act, then identifying alternative actions and their consequences before acting. Many competences are interpersonal: reading social and emotional cues, listening, being able to resist negative influences, taking others’ perspectives, and understanding what behavior is acceptable in a situation
92. A key ability in impulse control is knowing the difference between feelings and actions, and learning to make better emotional decisions by first controlling the impulse to act, then identifying alternative actions and their consequences before acting. Many competences are interpersonal: reading social and emotional cues, listening, being able to resist negative influences, taking others’ perspectives, and understanding what behavior is acceptable in a situation
93. Learning doesn’t take place in isolation from kids’ feelings. Being emotionally literate is as important for learning as instruction in math and reading
94. Our kids learn that you always have choices about how you respond to emotion, and the more
95. ways you know to respond to an emotion, the richer your life can be
96. A key social ability is empathy, understanding others’ feelings and taking their perspective, and respecting differences in how people feel about things. Relationships are a major focus, including learning to be a good listener and question-asker; distinguishing between what someone says or does and your own reactions and judgments; being
97. assertive rather than angry or passive; and learning the arts of cooperation, conflict resolution, and negotiating compromise
98. The basic premise children learn about anger (and all other emotions as well) is that “all feelings are okay to have,” but some reactions are okay and others not
99. EMOTIONAL SELF-AWARENESS • Improvement in recognizing and naming own emotions • Better able to understand the causes of feelings • Recognizing the difference between feelings and actions MANAGING EMOTIONS • Better frustration tolerance and anger management
100. Fewer verbal put-downs, fights, and classroom disruptions • Better able to express anger appropriately, without fighting • Fewer suspensions and expulsions • Less aggressive or self-destructive behavior • More positive feelings about self, school, and family • Better at handling stress • Less loneliness and social anxiety HARNESSING EMOTIONS PRODUCTIVELY • More responsible • Better able to focus on the task at hand and pay attention • Less impulsive; more self-control
101. Improved scores on achievement tests EMPATHY: READING EMOTIONS • Better able to take another person’s perspective • Improved empathy and sensitivity to others’ feelings • Better at listening to others HANDLING RELATIONSHIPS • Increased ability to analyze and understand relationships • Better at resolving conflicts and negotiating disagreements • Better at solving problems in relationships • More assertive and skilled at communicating • More popular and outgoing; friendly and involved with peers • More sought out by peers • More concerned and considerate
102. More “pro-social” and harmonious in groups • More sharing, cooperation, and helpfulness • More democratic in dealing with others One item on this list demands special attention: emotional literacy programs improve children’s academic achievement scores and school
103. problems, but all kids who can benefit from these skills; these are an inoculation
104. Schools, notes Etzioni, have a central role in cultivating character by inculcating self-discipline and empathy, which in turn enable true commitment to civic and moral values.18 In doing so, it is not enough to lecture children about values: they need to practice them, which happens as children build the essential emotional and social skills. In
105. Schools, notes Etzioni, have a central role in cultivating character by inculcating self-discipline and empathy, which in turn enable true commitment to civic and moral values.18 In doing so, it is not enough to lecture children about values: they need to practice them, which happens as children build the essential emotional and social skills. In this sense, emotional literacy goes hand in hand with education for character, for moral development, and for citizenship
106. Anger: fury, outrage, resentment, wrath, exasperation, indignation, vexation, acrimony, animosity, annoyance, irritability, hostility, and, perhaps at the extreme, pathological hatred and violence • Sadness: grief, sorrow, cheerlessness, gloom, melancholy, self
107. pity, loneliness, dejection, despair, and, when pathological, severe depression • Fear: anxiety, apprehension, nervousness, concern, consternation, misgiving, wariness, qualm, edginess, dread, fright, terror; as a psychopathology, phobia and panic • Enjoyment: happiness, joy, relief, contentment, bliss, delight, amusement, pride, sensual pleasure, thrill, rapture, gratification, satisfaction, euphoria, whimsy, ecstasy, and at the far edge, mania • Love: acceptance, friendliness, trust, kindness, affinity, devotion, adoration, infatuation, agape • Surprise: shock, astonishment, amazement, wonder • Disgust: contempt, disdain, scorn, abhorrence, aversion, distaste,
108. revulsion • Shame: guilt, embarrassment
109. revulsion • Shame: guilt, embarrassment, chagrin, remorse, humiliation, regret, mortification, and contrition
110. The main candidates and some of the members of their families
111. When some feature of an event seems similar to an emotionally charged memory from the past, the emotional mind responds by triggering the feelings that went with the remembered event. The emotional mind reacts to the present as though it were the past
112. Key ingredients of effective programs include: EMOTIONAL SKILLS • Identifying and labeling feelings • Expressing feelings
113. Assessing the intensity of feelings • Managing feelings • Delaying gratification • Controlling impulses • Reducing stress • Knowing the difference between feelings and actions COGNITIVE SKILLS • Self-talk—conducting an “inner dialogue” as a way to cope with a topic or challenge or reinforce one’s own behavior • Reading and interpreting social cues—for example, recognizing social influences on behavior and seeing oneself in the perspective of the larger community • Using steps for problem-solving and decision-making—for instance, controlling impulses, setting goals, identifying alternative actions, anticipating consequences • Understanding the perspective of others
114. Understanding behavioral norms (what is and is not acceptable behavior) • A positive attitude toward life • Self-awareness—for example, developing realistic expectations about oneself
115. BEHAVIORAL SKILLS • Nonverbal—communicating through eye contact, facial expressiveness, tone of voice, gestures, and so on • Verbal—making clear requests, responding effectively to criticism, resisting negative influences, listening to others, helping others, participating in positive peer groups
116. Main components: • Self-awareness: observing yourself and recognizing your feelings; building a vocabulary for feelings; knowing the relationship between thoughts, feelings, and reactions • Personal decision-making: examining your actions and knowing their consequences; knowing if thought or feeling is ruling a decision
117. applying these insights to issues such as sex and drugs • Managing feelings: monitoring “self-talk” to catch negative messages such as internal put-downs; realizing what is behind a feeling (e.g., the hurt that underlies anger); finding ways to handle fears and anxieties, anger, and sadness • Handling stress: learning the value of exercise, guided imagery, relaxation methods • Empathy: understanding others’ feelings and concerns and taking their perspective; appreciating the differences in how people feel about things • Communications: talking about feelings effectively: becoming a good listener and question-asker; distinguishing between what someone does or says and your own reactions or judgments about it; sending “I” messages instead of blame • Self-disclosure: valuing openness and building trust in a relationship; knowing when it’s safe to risk talking about your private feelings • Insight: identifying patterns in your emotional life and reactions; recognizing similar patterns in others
118. Self-acceptance: feeling pride and seeing yourself in a positive light; recognizing your strengths and weaknesses; being able to laugh at yourself • Personal responsibility: taking responsibility; recognizing the consequences of your decisions and actions, accepting your feelings and moods, following through on commitments (e.g., to studying)
119. Assertiveness: stating your concerns and feelings without anger or passivity • Group dynamics: cooperation; knowing when and how to lead, when to follow • Conflict resolution: how to fight fair with other kids, with parents, with teachers; the win/win model for negotiating compromise